The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
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My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
This is my emotional support knife.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
crazy
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.