The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*