The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
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I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?