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Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”