tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
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Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity