@kimtopher22

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

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@bazecraze

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

@jergarl

ALL OF THE ANIMALS ARE TALKING THIS IS THE BEST ACID EVER LOL

-Dr. Dolittle

@bigbrez100

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

@SaraMansford

Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.

@pinningnut

My husband and I are thinking about leaving everything to our dog. What he will do with $20.00 I don’t know. But I hope he enjoys it.

@Andrew_S_Dykes

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

@flashember

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again