@bazecraze
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
@kimtopher22
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
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@bazecraze
@jergarl
ALL OF THE ANIMALS ARE TALKING THIS IS THE BEST ACID EVER LOL
-Dr. Dolittle
@bigbrez100
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
@NewDadNotes
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
@batsVsupes
@SaraMansford
Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.
@pinningnut
My husband and I are thinking about leaving everything to our dog. What he will do with $20.00 I don’t know. But I hope he enjoys it.
@Andrew_S_Dykes
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
@flashember
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
@JimmerThatisAll
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.