@TheBoydP

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

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@Mr_Kapowski

8: I’m scared of monsters under my bed

Me: You should really be scared of spiders that will lay eggs in your ear

8: MOM!

Wife: ZACK!

@realHamOnWry

My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’

@50FirstTates

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

@Phook75

The upside to having kids is how you’re able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans

@okimstillhungry

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

@sincir3000

Boss: tomorrow is pajama day at work.
Me: I don’t wear pajamas
B: just wear whatever you sleep in
M: ok, you asked for it.

@copymama

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

@D_empiricist

Nollywood movies would legit explain the whole movie to you in the title. 💔😂