@TheBoydP
@Mr_Kapowski
8: I’m scared of monsters under my bed
Me: You should really be scared of spiders that will lay eggs in your ear
8: MOM!
Wife: ZACK!
You Might Also Like
@Mr_Kapowski
@theregoesrichie
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
@realHamOnWry
My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’
@50FirstTates
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
@Phook75
The upside to having kids is how you’re able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans
@okimstillhungry
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
@sincir3000
Boss: tomorrow is pajama day at work.
Me: I don’t wear pajamas
B: just wear whatever you sleep in
M: ok, you asked for it.
@copymama
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
@TheAndrewNadeau
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
@D_empiricist
Nollywood movies would legit explain the whole movie to you in the title. 💔😂
