The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
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“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
🙂🙃🥹
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants