The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
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Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
incredible text to wake up to
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did