The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
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Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Not my job 😂
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
When your man makes a valid point
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.