*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
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Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
then why did i get this email
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Just this preview of the story is enough
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.