The bit in Snow White when Grumpy’s like “put her in a glass coffin so we can see her decompose”
And Doc’s like
“Man! You’re getting worse!”

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We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.


Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.


I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.


you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT


A horror movie with all black people lmao

“Ayo what’s going down in ya basement?”

“That ain’t my business”

“I feel ya”

*Rolls credits*


Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.


me: the apple never falls far from the tree

friend: is that why its floating

me: yeah gravity is hella weird here


I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off


“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.


I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.