Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
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She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he鈥檚 3. So I鈥檓 having 36.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can鈥檛 get off the toilet.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I鈥檝e learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I鈥檓 fckn weak!!!!!! 馃拃
I SAID YES!!! 馃槏馃槏馃槏馃槏馃槏馃拲馃拲馃拲馃拲 鉂わ笍鉂わ笍鉂わ笍鉂わ笍 someone asked if I was alone for valentine鈥檚 day!!!
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
If you鈥檙e the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I鈥檓 not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people