*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
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[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.