@lilgapeach30

The black smoke coming from my toaster indicates a new pop tart has been selected!

You Might Also Like

@tastefactory

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

@jenhasgreathair

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

@iTomFoolery

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

@samalmightysam

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

@UncleDuke1969

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

@BlairBraverman

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

@hansabumsadaisy

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@truegritrumble

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

@Smooheed

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth