I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
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Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
my retirement plan is braless
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I’d … I’d rather not.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.