@Talk_To_The_Hat

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

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@KyleMcDowell86

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

@UncleDuke1969

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

@adrianmyreality

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

@hansabumsadaisy

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

@stevemarriott

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

@jjhartinger

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

@HomeWithPeanut

I’ve become a believer in letting the walls and furniture teach my kids that there is no running in the house.

I call it the School of Hard Knock Yo Selves Out.

@Dawn_M_

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

@MissGinaDarling

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

@withanewname

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]