The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
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Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
584.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My blood type is coffee.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”