KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
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HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!
Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I’ve become a believer in letting the walls and furniture teach my kids that there is no running in the house.
I call it the School of Hard Knock Yo Selves Out.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]