*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
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I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Is this a threat?
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*