@CamusOverEasy

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

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@Reverend_Scott

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

@HeyZeus666

My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I’m calling in gay tomorrow.

@Divergentmama

[At the magic store]

Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.

Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?

Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.

@RichardDawkins

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

@cwhudson

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

@fro_vo

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

@blopt

The entire city of Detroit burned down last night. Estimated damage is $6.

@VerifiedJayy

Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that

@shalaylaa

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

@MdUNH

I can’t take the time to exercise but I did some killer cardio pacing indecisively in front of the Ben & Jerry’s section of the supermarket.