The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
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Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?