The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
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I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
me before I type out affect or effect
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.