The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
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“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
#oldknees
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.