The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
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This is my emotional support knife.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
This is a true ally.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson