I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
“The book was way better” – hobo trying to burn a DVD for warmth
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Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
8: What’s a VCR?
Me: It played video tapes.
8: Video Tapes?
M: Like cassettes.
M: Like an older CD.
M: *pours bourbon
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.