“The book was way better” – hobo trying to burn a DVD for warmth

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“daddy where do babies come from”
“we just don’t know, sweetie…*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* “…we just don’t know”


Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.


[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue


DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol


ME: you want a sugar cube?



5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.



5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?


I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.


GURU: You have achieved the state of sak?d?g?min: you will reach nirv??a within seven lifetimes

ME: [slipping him a $20] How about six


Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…


if chickens exchanged goods and services for a fixed price it would be called chicken tenders have a great day


Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.