Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
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Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
the three branches of government
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
My blood type is coffee.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.