“The book was way better” – hobo trying to burn a DVD for warmth

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Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.


A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.


One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.


frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone


I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.


I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.


the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things


All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves


I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.