@Mickey_McCauley

“The book was way better” – hobo trying to burn a DVD for warmth

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

@gorrdano

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

@myonlymizztake

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

@buttgh0st

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

@SpenceDen

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

@GashleyMadison

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

@AndyAsAdjective

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

@OneFunnyMummy

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

@LittleMissZesty

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.