@Mickey_McCauley

“The book was way better” – hobo trying to burn a DVD for warmth

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@KylePlantEmoji

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

@david8hughes

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

@drinksmcgee

8: What’s a VCR?
Me: It played video tapes.
8: Video Tapes?
M: Like cassettes.
8: Cassettes?
M: Like an older CD.
8: CD?
M: *pours bourbon

@ehdannyboy

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

@SardonicTart

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

@GrumpyComments

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

@beingbernz

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

@ericsshadow

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

@michaeljhudson

Whoops, pizza sauce on my hands. Better wash this off with soap and water. Oh poop on my ass? I’ll just use this dry paper and call it good.