Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
“The book was way better” – hobo trying to burn a DVD for warmth
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A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.