“daddy where do babies come from”
“we just don’t know, sweetie…*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* “…we just don’t know”
“The book was way better” – hobo trying to burn a DVD for warmth
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Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.
He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
GURU: You have achieved the state of sak?d?g?min: you will reach nirv??a within seven lifetimes
ME: [slipping him a $20] How about six
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
if chickens exchanged goods and services for a fixed price it would be called chicken tenders have a great day
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.