ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import)
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*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.
-The inventor of massage
I have a condition that I eat when I can’t sleep. Its called Insom-nom-nom-nomnia.