@mockersofshoes

The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import)

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@ClichedOut

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

@jonnysun

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

@Bandersnaaatch

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

@HMittelmark

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

@CatherineinAL

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

@thelateinnings

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

@galiamango

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

@SortaBad

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

@brittwastaken

I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.

-The inventor of massage

@LOUD_Thoughts_

I have a condition that I eat when I can’t sleep. Its called Insom-nom-nom-nomnia.