The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
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Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please