My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
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I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
For cardio I live beyond my means.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.