I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
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I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist