5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
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ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?