the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

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“Child rearing” sounds like something that’ll get you life in prison.


[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.


Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.


Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…


90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.


I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.


Whoever invented the forklift over estimated the weight of forks


I subscribe to Groupon because it’s good to know which nearby restaurants have mediocre food & will probably be out of business soon.


casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit