JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
You Might Also Like
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Wife: Wait here.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.
*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.