@linkindrinkin

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

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@ArfMeasures

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

@junejuly12

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

@thedailymarker

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

@UncleDuke1969

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

@R_A_Dadass

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

@neiltyson

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

@rebrafsim

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

@Brampersandon_

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

@TweetPotato314

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.