the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
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*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Uh oh…
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.