the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

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BOSS: I have some tough news


BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit


[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]


Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?


I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.


I heard that sadomasochistic vegans like to get beet and artichoked.

Some even like getting pead on.

Don’t turnip your nose at this.


My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is


After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn’t the worst parent ever.


“Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks”

Translated from “be with you shortly”