@linkindrinkin

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

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@TheToddWilliams

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

@AdamOfEarth

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

@ThugRaccoons

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

@Adam14

I heard that sadomasochistic vegans like to get beet and artichoked.

Some even like getting pead on.

Don’t turnip your nose at this.

@lottie_fly_x

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

@OreoSpeedwagon_

After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn’t the worst parent ever.

@junejuly12

“Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks”

Translated from “be with you shortly”