the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
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This probably isn’t good
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.