The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
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I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
CRYING
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.