the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

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*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*


I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there


With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.


I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.


is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?


Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.


I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”