@bellalawtonn

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

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@urgeekisshowing

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

@chuuew

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

@garrettbarry70

I have a CW who can’t input data into a spreadsheet without whispering each number so don’t tell me about your day.

@JoshKnightComic

Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool?
Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

@stephenjmolloy

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

@JoeRegular4

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

@kelkulus

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

@shatterpants

I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming “There’s still time”