roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
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That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I have a CW who can’t input data into a spreadsheet without whispering each number so don’t tell me about your day.
Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool?
Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Sarah: I’m a twin.
Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming “There’s still time”