My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
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I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea