The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
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I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Don’t touch that.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.