@ericallenhatch

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

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@Mindless4Miles

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

@Carmensadie

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

@HansomeHoosier

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

@KattieCO_H

“Shut the door, drop your pants, and get on top of me.” -My toilet

@Bluestmoon_

There are pants in the bathroom trash can at work, so someone is having a worse day than you.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

@iamjohnsarris

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

@blade_funner

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

@BroIsMeeeee

“sir do u know why i pulled u over”
*shrugs*
“License-
*hands cop box of crayons*
“sir plea-
*hands cop coloring book*
*cop starts coloring*

@thetits

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…