Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.
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My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Turns out if you scream for no reason long enough, you get the rest of the day off from work.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
her: we should try spicing things up in the bedroom
me: good idea
her: what is this on the bed
me: *seductively* paprika
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I don’t think it’s rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today’s newspaper.