The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.

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Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets


Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.


Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him


(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)


“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.


I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.


This girl won’t stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.


I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.


Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?


Only attractive people that get laid all the time troll people on the internet. Everybody knows that.