The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.

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Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”


My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.


THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy


Turns out if you scream for no reason long enough, you get the rest of the day off from work.


I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…


Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.


I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!


her: we should try spicing things up in the bedroom

me: good idea


her: what is this on the bed

me: *seductively* paprika


What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”


I don’t think it’s rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today’s newspaper.