The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
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Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Follow me for more fitness tips.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?