@Cheeseboy22: The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
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@Sickayduh: I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair
@david8hughes: Interviewer: says here you have a military background Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
@Glove_Monkey: Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better. - What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
@samdunsiger: Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.