@Cheeseboy22

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

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@Jandalize

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

@MatCro

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

@buhsbaby_baby

[before sex]

Just so you know.. I can only be on top cause’ I’m not gonna take my backpack off

@VibesBummer

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

@JazzJazzybc

I always said I’d never chase after a man, but the older I get, I seriously consider power-walking after one.

@simoncholland

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

@rickygervais

Suggested Thanksgiving Conversation starters: “Which God are we thanking again?”
You’re welcome 🙂

@RunOldMan

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.