I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
You Might Also Like
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Just so you know.. I can only be on top cause’ I’m not gonna take my backpack off
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I always said I’d never chase after a man, but the older I get, I seriously consider power-walking after one.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Suggested Thanksgiving Conversation starters: “Which God are we thanking again?”
You’re welcome 🙂
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.