The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
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still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
We avoided this particular disaster
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.