The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
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“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags