The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
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In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.