The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
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Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present