“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

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[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!


before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted


Dear girls that go tanning, it’s called ‘sunkissed’, it’s not called ‘dorito raped’.


this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one


jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home


i need a reasonably paying job. something like $6,000 an hour, nothing too wild.


Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.


I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.


My mom always told me to treat people how I want to be treated but… It’s not nice to just spank people & pull their hair.