@sixfootcandy

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

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@numeri33

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

@PaperWash

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

@ItsJennaMarbles

Dear girls that go tanning, it’s called ‘sunkissed’, it’s not called ‘dorito raped’.

@GrantTanaka

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

@chlosephine_

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

@pakalupapito

i need a reasonably paying job. something like $6,000 an hour, nothing too wild.

@TheAlexNevil

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

@Donna_McCoy

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

@StickyickyBuns

My mom always told me to treat people how I want to be treated but… It’s not nice to just spank people & pull their hair.