recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
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If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I don’t know if I should go after that ghost or not.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food