“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

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recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left


If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.


ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word


ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone


If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.


Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.


You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is


My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call


I don’t know if I should go after that ghost or not.

~Drunk Pac-Man


I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food