“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
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I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Holy moly
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN