@sixfootcandy

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

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@aligarchy

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

@SondraDeeMe

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

@Cheeseboy22

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

@tylerschmall

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

@ThePriscilla

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

@not_thenanny

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

@just1fool

I don’t know if I should go after that ghost or not.

~Drunk Pac-Man

@sannewman

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food