@robdelaney

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

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@markedly

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

@therealeatwood

I love kickboxing and think there should be kick versions of more sports, like kickbowling and kickbadminton

@GrantTanaka

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

@iriskessler

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

@DanMentos

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

@HenpeckedHal

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

@clarkekant

At some point in time, the brain named itself. You think it would have gone with something a little better, like Bernard.

@seamusmckracken

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.