@robdelaney

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

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@Vhalechark

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

@vikkaroni

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

@noog

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

@SonOfCha

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

@karanbirtinna

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

@ddsmidt

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

@3dog101

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

@DothTheDoth

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.