The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
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When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Y’all know who you are.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked