teacher: why did richard nixon resign
me: uh i dont know. dam
me: that’s what i said
The cable guy said he’d be here sometime between 1:00 and April, 2016.
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I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
me: [googling] lose weight
google: eat healthy and exercise
me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
“Man, I did so much shit today”
*throws away diaper
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Me. *Throws coat over a puddle*
Her. “WTF are you doing with my coat?”