I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
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Ah yes. The three genders
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.