The cable guy said he’d be here sometime between 1:00 and April, 2016.

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teacher: why did richard nixon resign

me: uh i dont know. dam

teacher: watergate

me: that’s what i said


I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!


me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running


*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.


Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.


“Man, I did so much shit today”

*throws away diaper


A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.


I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.


Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.


Me. *Throws coat over a puddle*

Her. “WTF are you doing with my coat?”