The cake is mightier than the sword.
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ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
im 7 sauces long
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.