@NurseMurderer

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

You Might Also Like

@foodfacenow

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

@autumnsays_

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

@murrman5

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

@1Happytwit

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

@kentgrossarth

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

@Jandalize

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

@Home_Halfway

Johnny Depp looks like a homeless man who was given $5000 to spend at H&M

@Sickayduh

DATE: This place is so fancy
ME: Ever have a guy splurge on you before?
DATE: Well, only when we didn’t have a condom

@rmfnord

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On