The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
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I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*