The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
You Might Also Like
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
KFC hitting the cannibal market
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
it was love at first sight