The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
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before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned