Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
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My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter
Daughter: So I gather
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
A WOMAN: i’ve only been washing my hair
ME: IN THE OFFICE BATHROOM SINK!! ME TOO!!
THE WOMAN: once a
ME: ONCE I WAKE UP I KNOW SAME ME TOO!!