The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
You Might Also Like
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw