The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”